Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
