I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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