Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
so let's talk penis.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
