Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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