They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
