She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
