My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
