I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
