I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
