you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
lets start a swedish sibling band together
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
