My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
