my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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