I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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