He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
