You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
