What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
