One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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