i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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