The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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