the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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