We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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