Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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