omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
