I think my fart just growled at me.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
