At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
