My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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