Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
