her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
