I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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