Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
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