god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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