this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
