My liver just broke up with me...
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
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