I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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