The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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