He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I just forgot I was standing up.
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