I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize