so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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