I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
