Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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