i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
