Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
