Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
and you said cock pushups were impossible
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize