Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
