Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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