I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
