Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
