watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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