He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
