life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
