So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize