remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize