I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize