Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
