shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
