I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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