with your own penis?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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