Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
