im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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