I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
