My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I touched a dick in church today
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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