a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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