If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
