My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize