If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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