she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
