I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize