I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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