I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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